Every Father’s Day Was a Question Mark
Father of three, Dave* shares his personal story of the challenges he faced maintaining a relationship with his three sons after separation.
When Clare* and I separated, I never imagined that simply spending time with my three sons would become such a struggle.
At first, things seemed manageable. I saw my boys, then aged 10, 12 and 14, every weekend. But before long, Clare wanted to change things. She felt she was carrying the burden of school runs, homework, routines and responsibilities during the week, while I enjoyed the more relaxed weekends. Wanting to be fair, I agreed to reduce my time with the boys to every other weekend.
I soon wished I hadn’t. Over the following year, contact with my sons became increasingly unpredictable. Weekends that had been agreed suddenly disappeared. Sometimes Clare would say she had made other plans for the boys. Other times she would admit she was angry with me and didn’t want me to see them.
As disagreements between us became more frequent, I found myself living in a constant state of anxiety, worrying as each contact weekend approached whether I would even get to see them.
On several occasions, I was already on my way to collect the boys when a text message arrived cancelling the visit. Holidays we had agreed in advance were disrupted when one or more of the children were suddenly withheld. Decisions about education, activities and other important aspects of their lives were increasingly made without me. Family events on Clare’s side were routinely prioritised, while my family’s opportunities to create memories with my sons were pushed aside. I couldn’t even be sure of seeing them on Father’s Day, my birthday or at Christmas.
I tried repeatedly to improve the situation. I wanted a cooperative co-parenting relationship and attempted to discuss practical solutions. Instead, every conversation seemed to end in an argument, followed by further restrictions on my time with the children. As months passed, I became increasingly fearful that I would lose my relationship with my sons altogether.
Feeling desperate, I turned to Both Parents Matter. Walking into my first London branch meeting was emotional. I was saddened to discover how many other fathers were facing similar, and often far worse, situations. But I was also encouraged because for the first time in a long while I was surrounded by people who understood what I was going through and who could offer practical advice, knowledge and support.
With the charity’s guidance, I began the difficult process of securing a formal arrangement for time with my children. I had hoped to avoid court, but it soon became clear that without legal protection my relationship with my sons remained vulnerable. I applied for an order that would give me a weeknight stay between weekends, protected time during school holidays, and clear arrangements for birthdays, Christmas and other important occasions – including Father’s Day.
Initially, Clare opposed every aspect of the application. But shortly before the hearing she agreed to most of the proposals. The magistrates approved the remaining elements in court, giving the boys and me the certainty we had lacked for years. For the first time since the separation, our time together was protected.
Sadly, the court order did not magically solve everything. Clare breached the order on numerous occasions, refused to share travel responsibilities between our homes, and continued making important decisions without consulting me. She often treated seeing their father as optional rather than encouraging the boys’ relationship with me. For a period, my eldest son stopped visiting altogether.
But with the ongoing support of Both Parents Matter and my new partner, I refused to give up and slowly things began to change. The boys grew older and increasingly turned to me for guidance, support and advice. What had once felt like an uphill battle gradually became a more natural and secure bond.
Today, all three of my sons are young adults with independent relationships with me. I remain an important part of their lives and am looking forward to spending Father’s Day with them all.
The struggle that once consumed so much of my energy now feels firmly in the past. In a remarkable reflection of how far things have come, Clare recently contacted me to thank me for being such a good father and to tell me how pleased she was that, despite everything, things had worked out well.
I know that without Both Parents Matter, this story could have had a very different outcome. I am also very aware that there isn’t a happy ending for every separated family, and that many children sadly lose the opportunity to have a loving relationship with both parents. That’s why I remain a Both Parents Matter member and supporter to this day.
*Names have been changed for anonymity
